Snowflakes Adventure

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8th of March 2012

Dear Zaid,

Snowflakes family lives up high in the sky. They have a certain rite of passage to achieve maturity. Every little snowflakes has to go to the ocean for later re-evaporated to their home, up in the sky. If they manage to comeback, then they are considered to be an adult snowflakes.

A certain little snowflakes is so eager to see the ocean..

“Mommy, what is it like, the ocean? How can I get there as soon as possible?”

He asked his Mother everyday..

“Be patient my child, first you have to be strong to start the journey, for it is a very dangerous journey. You have to be ready.” His mother replied.

“I can’t wait any longer Mommy, I am going, with or without your blessing!!” Said the little snowflakes angrily.

“Dear child, you have to know that there are plenty ways for us to get to the ocean.  You can choose the simplest and fastest way by riding the cloud. Or.. you can choose plenty of other ways.. You can melt or later swim with the river towards the ocean. Whichever path you decide to take, it will lead you to an unknown journey that hopefully will lead you to become a mature snowflakes.”

“May you choose the best path my child. You will always have my blessing and I will always be here, waiting for you to complete your journey.”

Eventually the little snowflakes leave their home. He chooses the hard path. He melt and merge with the river. He swim and swim and swim. Playing with all kind of fish, avoiding to be swallow by predators, avaporated and melted repeatedly, and many other obstacles. Deep down he knows that he might not going to make it to the ocean, for he still has a very long journey to carry on.

To be honest the little snowflakes could choose the easiest way. But he knows that his choices will determine what kind of adult snowflakes he’ll become. And his choice will be his way to reach home, up in the sky. So he chooses to take the most adventurist way possible and enjoy the journey towards home and learn a lot of things from it.

What the little snowflakes become? We still don’t know yet..

You may see him in a drop of morning dew, you may see him a drop of rain, or you may even see him in the river, swimming happily towards the ocean.

Life is always going to be full of choices and struggles. May we always be the one who get stronger and be a better version of our self every step of the way.

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Aurora and The Dragon

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12th February 2012

Dear Zaid,

Today I want to tell you a beautiful story about Aurora and The Dragon

Have you ever heard about aurora ? a natural light display in the sky.  Have you ever heard the myth about dragons ?  I want to tell you a story about Aurora and The Dragon.

Aurora is the place where dragons were born. The dragon represent kindness, sincerity and nobility. Once the egg were hatch, the dragon will be sent to the earth in human forms to spread the quality that he carried among humans. His task will be fulfilled when his human form died. Then the dragon soul will return to Aurora and reincarnate as a new dragon egg that will carry a new task.

Aurora has been doing this role her entire life. At one point, Aurora feel so lonely, she was missing something she don’t understand. Out of her loneliness, when she was hatching a certain egg, she accidentally transfer a part of her heart to the dragon and a part of the dragon heart reside in her heart to.

The dragon then fly to the earth and live his life as a human. The dragon carry a part of Aurora’s heart. So Aurora were able to see the dragon from the sky. In his human form, the dragon were named Sam by his earth parents. From he was little Sam always feel that someone in the sky always looking out for him. For a part of Sam’s heart reside in Aurora’s. Of course he didn’t remember who Aurora was. But he could feel her presents when he was looking at the sky at night.

Mean while in the sky, Aurora experience the strangest feeling that she could not understand. Her heart always skip a beat whenever she saw visions of Sam, it’s like a thousand butterflies flying inside her stomach. So she create a song to sing whenever she feel that she miss Sam, the dragon that carry a part of her heart. The lyrics were like this :

“My heart told me I can’t pretend, This are the words I want to send. I want to tell you but don’t know when. This feeling, I don’t know what’s the meaning of. Let this be the feeling of my own, that no one could ever know. My heart melt when you smile, I’m missing you when you far a mile. Even I doubt you will care, it’s just my heart i want to share.”

Sam could hear the song and Aurora’s voice in his sleep. He always wonder who she was. Due to his life as human, eventually Sam was in love with another human. They will get married and form a family.

Aurora feel like a bee just sting her heart. It was jealousy. Why can’t she live like human. Why can’t she be the one for Sam. Sam carry a part of her heart and so does she. Aurora has all the time in the world to think about her feeling. Then she conclude, it was no use to keep the discontentment. She has her role to be fulfilled and so does Sam. Even though that she didn’t deny her feeling to Sam. The only way is to be sincere with her love.

Love does not always have to be returned. A true, unselfish and sincere love will always find it’s own course. A pure meaning of love is to be able to give love with no expectations. Aurora finally understand this. She still look out for Sam from high above the sky and still miss him from time to time, and when she miss him she’ll sing the song. The wind carry the song to Sam’s sleep. So he unconsciously knew, that somebody out there always sing that song for him.

Sam grow old and finally fulfill his task on the earth. When his human form died. His dragon soul fly to the sky to where Aurora is. He finally meet her and recognize the voice.

“It was you, it was you all along”, he said.

“Yes dear dragon, I’m here, always here. For you carry a part of my heart and so does I. Now you are here, I am wondering whether you want to return it, a part of my heart, and I will return yours.”

“No, let me carry it for eternity. So no matter how many time I will be reborn.  We will always have each other. Thank you Aurora. Your love always make me feel that I am not alone.”

“So does yours dear dragon. You teach me how to love unconditionally, unselfishly. For me that was the greatest gift for I didn’t feel lonely anymore. Let it be then. Even though we couldn’t be together, we will always have each other.”

“Yes, let it be”, the dragon conclude.

So he become an egg again, that someday Aurora will hatch and send to earth. The cycle will be keep repeating.  For eternity.

As Aurora said, even though they couldn’t be together, they will always have each other.  For eternity.

Negeri Sihir

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9th February 2012

Dear Zaid,

This is one of my favorite poem By Nenden Lilis Aisyah

Angin surut dan cahaya beringsut,

Waktu seakan turun menemui kegaiban,

Kerisik senyap segala bunyi

Bertabuh di kegelapan..

Negeri tempatku hidup telah jadi mimpi,

Alangkah jauh bagai bayang-bayang..

Aku entah berjejak dimana,

Tak juga pergi bersama suara-suara,

Inilah ketiadaan, ruang kekal kekosongan,

Tempat segalanya menghilang…

Past, Future, Present

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8th February 2012

Dear Zaid

This is my letter to the Past, Future and Present

To my past..

You will always be a part of me. For because of you I am what I am right now. Eventhough now I’m letting some parts of you go, the anguish, the anger, the sadness, the despair. The beautiful memory will always reside in the corner of my heart. What is already done can not be undone

To the future..

You are not mine yet. A shining star recently teach me, that i should not be worry for things that not yet certain. So to the sky above I entrust my future, let the worries and restlessness fly away with the wind. I’ll leave my hopes and dreams there, so I will always able to look up for them, in the sky, wherever I go.

To the present..

I will learn to make you mine. Everyday. In every step of my way. I will learn to always give my best in everything I do. It’s not going to be easy, but I’ll never stop trying, learning, ‘cause now you’re all I have. I will pour all my heart and soul only to you, dear present, so you will be mine, everyday, every step of my way.

Setting Goals

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3rd February 2012

Dear Zaid,

I’m reading this book, 9 summers 10 autumns by Iwan Setiawan. The story is about life struggle. Similar to Andrea Hirata’s Laskar Pelangi and A.Fuadi’s Negeri Lima Menara. I thought that I’m a little bit bored with this theme. Turns out that after all my “Gruesome Period” this past 3 months, I kind ‘a able to see this kind of story from a new point of view.

I’ve just tweeted that up until now I walk this earth like I have nothing to loose. The thought just crossed my mind. How I never really wanted something so bad that I shed blood and tears to achieve it.

Come to think of it. The best high school in Bandung, College that everybody want to enter, a job in a decent Indonesian’s Oil & Gas Company. What did exactly my effort to be able to get all of that? Nothing compares to those story I’ve read. How this people really strive to achieve their success. Now I feel so arrogant to think that everything that I’ve achieved is naturally my right.

I want to slap my self.

You never really try Cha, you have all the privileges that those people could not have!!

Now I know that feeling content is not the same as being grateful. What I felt all of this years is content. Not grateful for all of those privileges slash easy life that God gave me.

That’s why I never realy be able to appriciate those moments.

That’s why I never realy understand those exitements and happiness to be able to get or to achieve something. Because deep down inside I feel that I never realy want any of this. That’s why I am so ignorance.

How come a person didn’t have any goals?

This is my old train of thoughts : what I get is the fruit of what I’ve done (which is only “average effort” compare to those story), what I can not get is not destined to be mine in the first place. I simply did’t want to feel dissapointed.

So I never set a higher goal. I never have a dream to reach. Why am I so afraid to feel?

It’s creepy. How I used to be that cold person.

What is it that I realy want dear? I have no idea

What is my goals? Don’t know

I want to feel it. The satisfaction of reaching something that I realy want. How can I feel it if I didn’t know what I want in the first place.

Great. Lost in another fog.

It’s time to look for some goals! Don’t you think dear??

Sirius, The Brightest Star in the Night Time Sky

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30th January 2012

Dear Zaid,

Today I want to tell you a story titled The Brightest Star in the Night Time Sky.

The Moon has been going through one of the hardest phase of her life. The moon always ask God to give her His sign to keep moving on by twinkling one of His star.

God did not directly answer her prayer. Instead, God told Fate to send The Moon  an answer in disguise, The Mirror.

It took some time for the moon to know who The Mirror really was, for The Mirror mostly only shows her reflection, and point the things that always holding her back. The Mirror always listens patiently to all of her fear and worries. But never reveal it self.

Little by little The Moon manages to see the rays that radiate from The Mirror. The Mirror turns out to be the brightest night time star in the sky. Sirius.

God give her an answer in disguise. His answer to her prayer is Sirius.

And now The Moon could see her reflection and at the same time learn to get to know better about who The Mirror really is.

In the beginning, little that she know that The Mirror is the star she was looking for.

The Moon and Sirius are best friend in the night time sky now. For they both value silence and solitude.

They learn from each other how to make the journey through the galaxy as colorful as possible. Well actually, The Moon has to learn much more than Sirius. Sirius always shows her direction when she feels lost.

There are no words that could describe The Moon gratitude towards Sirius.

And now for the time being The Moon couldn’t see where Sirius is. She’s worry because Sirius is also facing “a test” from God. The Moon wish that she could help Sirius anyway she can. How she want to say that everything will be all right. To say she will always be there, they way Sirius always there to help her at the worst time of her life. All she can do is pray.

So last night she pray to God for Sirius well being, and she ask all her friend in the night time sky to help her. Too look out for Sirius for her.

And she whisper to the wind,

“Sirius, all of us in the night time sky are looking after for you. We are all in your favor. Everything will be alright! When you feel lonely all you have to do just see the sky. We are all there to accompany you.”

“You’re the one who told me that all burden in this life will be less heavy when I have someone to share it with. Now I want to say the same thing to you.”

“I will be here, if you ever need anything. I will always be here.”

Hoping that the wind will take her words to Sirius. Where ever Sirius is.

Happiness??

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24th January 2012

Dear Zaid,

It’s been quite a journey for me since the last time I wrote to you. At the first phase, I am finally able to accept all of my fear and sorrow and letting it all go. The feeling, to let go. It makes me feel relieved, free, like I finally broke the chains that bind me all this time.

And then comes forgiveness. What was supposed to be happened, supposed to be happened. It’s a little bit funny when you finally accept everything, the anger, the grudge, suddenly vaporized in to thin air. It’s not important anymore.

There’s nothing more in the past that could scare me or bring me down. For when all is lost, the future still remain.

Next is an important question that I rarely thought off. Can you feel happiness when you’re with people that you care about? How much happiness that other people give you can contain?

It bothers me a lot. My first answer is : Nada, none.

I’ve been feeding myself with happiness that comes from non human relationship. Books makes me happy, Songs makes me happy, beautiful view makes me happy. What about friends? Gyaahh. Another flaws that has to be mend. And the choice is clear. Do you really think that a person can survive through this life without others? Do you really want to sit on a bench in a waiting room forever, or you want to start living your life?

Then make a change!!

It took quite an energy to digest. My purpose is clear but i still don’t know how to do it.

Then fate took over the rest of the story. One thing that I am truly grateful of, is through this gruesome phase of my life, I found myself a mirror. A mirror that miraculously always point me to the right direction to found the answer. A mirror that never fail to be there at time I needed the most. A mirror that shows me how these pieces of puzzle of life related to one another. A mirror that fate brought to me, a gift from Above.

Do you want to know the answer in my pursuit of happiness dear?

It turn out to be quite simple. I don’t know why I didn’t see it before. I don’t know why I didn’t be able to feel it before.

You know feel happy (in human relationship term) when you’re with people you care about, and in that moment you feel blessed just to be able to be with them, you feel some sort of warm feeling in your heart you’ll wish that you’re able to freeze the moment. And when it’s time to go, the warm feeling linger, there’s no sadness, and you’re able to walk away with a smile on your face.

A smile because you’ve found the purest form of caring one another. Why I defined it as the purest form of caring one another? Because you do not require more but that precise moment being together.

Without words, just with gesture and gaze you’ll able to say to your friend that they meant so much to you, that you’re very grateful to have them, and they are the person you’ll go a thousand miles for. And they understand.

And when time and places keep you apart, you can still feel their presence inside of you. And you’ll be able to recall that warm feeling when you see the sky, knowing that somewhere they are under the same sky with you. When you see the city lights and wondering if they see the same view. When you smell the sweet air of a fresh morning, knowing that they are breathing the same sweet air you’re breathing.

The consciousness that you are never alone after all, even when there’s no one around.

Those are my answer dear. For this moment, those are my definition of happiness.

Surreal New Year

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2nd January 2012

Dear Zaid,

I spend my first day in 2012 feeling surreal because what happened the day before. It’s weird, I never believe much in fate. Sometimes I even think that Fate and Destiny are enjoying them self playing on me.

There’s one quote that keep ringing in my head yesterday :

Maka, pertemuan sesungguhnya adalah nasib. Orang tak hanya bertemu begitu saja, pasti ada sesuatu di balik itu.” (Cinta Dalam Gelas – Andrea Hirata)

Is it true?

This morning I tweet about how funny life is. For when I was a teenager I used to think that I’m mature enough to sail through life, and now I’m 28 years old, I feel like a little girl lost in a maze. Ironic.

Everything happens because of the choices we made. Who we are today are who we choose to be. We create our own fate. Everything is just like a binary number. If you choose 0 your consequences is X, if you choose 1 your consequences is Y. Analysis of consequences.

That’s what I used to believe. I never thought much if there’s “a bigger scheme” out there about each of us.

And now I start to doubt myself. What I believe about how life is working. What I believe about consequences analysis. What I believe about how to survive this cruel world.

But don’t worry dear, in time I will resolve this. And maybe one day I’ll write the answer here.

I don’t know what I got myself into. I just keep praying for the best.

Making decision is only the beginning of things. When someone makes decision, he is really diving into a strong current that will carry him to places he had never dreamed of when he first made the decision

-The Alchemist, Paulo Coelho-

Aku Ingin

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29th Desember 2011

Dear Zaid,

Reading this poem by Sapardi Djoko Damono always makes me want to cry. This poem make me question, is there really a love like this and how many lucky people in this world get to feel the way this poem describe?

Aku Ingin

Aku ingin mencintaimu dengan sederhana

dengan kata yang tak sempat diucapkan

kayu kepada api yang menjadikannya abu

Aku ingin mencintaimu dengan sederhana

dengan isyarat yang tak sempat disampaikan

awan kepada hujan yang menjadikannya tiada

-Sapardi Djoko Damono-

Bad Dreams

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27th Desember 2011

Dear Zaid

Since you’re a little baby you often had  bad dreams. You’ll wake up in the middle of the night crying.  And I’ll shake you a little to make you realize that it was just a dream and say “Ngga apa2 ayid, itu cuma mimpi, jangan takut ada mami disini”. And I’ll kiss you in the forehead.

Last night I cry in my sleep. This is not the first time that I cry in my sleep. But this time my crying woke you. And to my surprise, you shake me and wake me and say “mih janan nanyis, ada ayid” then you kiss me just like I often do.

And make me want to cry even more…

My sweet boy… How did you grow up so fast…