24th January 2012

Dear Zaid,

It’s been quite a journey for me since the last time I wrote to you. At the first phase, I am finally able to accept all of my fear and sorrow and letting it all go. The feeling, to let go. It makes me feel relieved, free, like I finally broke the chains that bind me all this time.

And then comes forgiveness. What was supposed to be happened, supposed to be happened. It’s a little bit funny when you finally accept everything, the anger, the grudge, suddenly vaporized in to thin air. It’s not important anymore.

There’s nothing more in the past that could scare me or bring me down. For when all is lost, the future still remain.

Next is an important question that I rarely thought off. Can you feel happiness when you’re with people that you care about? How much happiness that other people give you can contain?

It bothers me a lot. My first answer is : Nada, none.

I’ve been feeding myself with happiness that comes from non human relationship. Books makes me happy, Songs makes me happy, beautiful view makes me happy. What about friends? Gyaahh. Another flaws that has to be mend. And the choice is clear. Do you really think that a person can survive through this life without others? Do you really want to sit on a bench in a waiting room forever, or you want to start living your life?

Then make a change!!

It took quite an energy to digest. My purpose is clear but i still don’t know how to do it.

Then fate took over the rest of the story. One thing that I am truly grateful of, is through this gruesome phase of my life, I found myself a mirror. A mirror that miraculously always point me to the right direction to found the answer. A mirror that never fail to be there at time I needed the most. A mirror that shows me how these pieces of puzzle of life related to one another. A mirror that fate brought to me, a gift from Above.

Do you want to know the answer in my pursuit of happiness dear?

It turn out to be quite simple. I don’t know why I didn’t see it before. I don’t know why I didn’t be able to feel it before.

You know feel happy (in human relationship term) when you’re with people you care about, and in that moment you feel blessed just to be able to be with them, you feel some sort of warm feeling in your heart you’ll wish that you’re able to freeze the moment. And when it’s time to go, the warm feeling linger, there’s no sadness, and you’re able to walk away with a smile on your face.

A smile because you’ve found the purest form of caring one another. Why I defined it as the purest form of caring one another? Because you do not require more but that precise moment being together.

Without words, just with gesture and gaze you’ll able to say to your friend that they meant so much to you, that you’re very grateful to have them, and they are the person you’ll go a thousand miles for. And they understand.

And when time and places keep you apart, you can still feel their presence inside of you. And you’ll be able to recall that warm feeling when you see the sky, knowing that somewhere they are under the same sky with you. When you see the city lights and wondering if they see the same view. When you smell the sweet air of a fresh morning, knowing that they are breathing the same sweet air you’re breathing.

The consciousness that you are never alone after all, even when there’s no one around.

Those are my answer dear. For this moment, those are my definition of happiness.


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