I’m reading this book, 9 summers 10 autumns by Iwan Setiawan. The story is about life struggle. Similar to Andrea Hirata’s Laskar Pelangi and A.Fuadi’s Negeri Lima Menara. I thought that I’m a little bit bored with this theme. Turns out that after all my “Gruesome Period” this past 3 months, I kind ‘a able to see this kind of story from a new point of view.
I’ve just tweeted that up until now I walk this earth like I have nothing to loose. The thought just crossed my mind. How I never really wanted something so bad that I shed blood and tears to achieve it.
Come to think of it. The best high school in Bandung, College that everybody want to enter, a job in a decent Indonesian’s Oil & Gas Company. What did exactly my effort to be able to get all of that? Nothing compares to those story I’ve read. How this people really strive to achieve their success. Now I feel so arrogant to think that everything that I’ve achieved is naturally my right.
I want to slap my self.
“You never really try Cha, you have all the privileges that those people could not have!!”
Now I know that feeling content is not the same as being grateful. What I felt all of this years is content. Not grateful for all of those privileges slash easy life that God gave me.
That’s why I never realy be able to appriciate those moments.
That’s why I never realy understand those exitements and happiness to be able to get or to achieve something. Because deep down inside I feel that I never realy want any of this. That’s why I am so ignorance.
How come a person didn’t have any goals?
This is my old train of thoughts : what I get is the fruit of what I’ve done (which is only “average effort” compare to those story), what I can not get is not destined to be mine in the first place. I simply did’t want to feel dissapointed.
So I never set a higher goal. I never have a dream to reach. Why am I so afraid to feel?
It’s creepy. How I used to be that cold person.
What is it that I realy want dear? I have no idea
What is my goals? Don’t know
I want to feel it. The satisfaction of reaching something that I realy want. How can I feel it if I didn’t know what I want in the first place.
Great. Lost in another fog.
It’s time to look for some goals! Don’t you think dear??